i think one thing i wish i could change about myself, which i can’t help myself from expressing or feeling, is my inability to let go from holding a grudge. and, it’ll be all so much easier to blame biology or family traits (something along those lines), but i really try not to. ’cause i don’t want to accept the fact that it is something i can’t change in myself. isn’t that ironic?
so, i guess that makes me a perfectionist?
one thing i would love to learn, therefore, over the course of my lifetime, neither immediately nor completely, is to be more accepting of situations, circumstances, other people and their behaviours and actions altogether. it is so easy for me to point fingers, or to revolve my mind around a particular small irk that i have, and just not get anywhere or achieve anything except a whole lot of wasted time and effort that could be better spent on something else.
one habit i have is to immediately be frustrated by a person because of their inability to express themselves as effectively as i wish them to. sometimes they may phrase things that i find immediately offensive, ’cause i expect that any given person would find such a statement offensive within a monolingual, english-speaking society (the society i grew up in for a majority of my life), but that is not the case.
i can go from ground zero to the stratosphere in under five seconds if such a situation takes place – and practically self-destruct myself and my circumstances and any relation ties i have with that person. (a legitimate reason why i often have a smaller circle of friends.)
it’s been not so bad these few years. for one, i’ve learnt to hold my tongue for the rest of the day, instead of hitting self-destruct mode. i’ve learnt to step back and walk away from situations which i know will get me more in trouble than others. i’ve also learnt to just occupy my mind on other things than to be swallowed up into a ball of frustration. i think a large part of me trying to improve this aspect of myself is due to the trials i’ve gone through, and the self-development that is required when having a boyfriend, or being in a long-term relationship as whole with someone who you really want to keep in your life.
i’m used to having close relationships for a maximum of two to three years. but my relationship with my boyfriend has gone on beyond that. and it really is a struggle for me. i barely even keep salient relationships with my parents and my brother. but long-term relationships really do teach you the meaning of endurance and a large part of that is accepting a person with their flaws, instead of in spite of their flaws. the latter requires you to attempt to ignore the fact that he is not the kind who can and will write long letters of adoration for you – which trust me, does not last very long. the former, however, requires you to assess whether that is worth giving up your relationship and whether it is something you really need. it requires you to accept that long letters are probably just a total pain to read and, since his expression on paper isn’t too awesome, it wouldn’t be something you would want to read in the first place. (no offense if you’re reading this! :P)
i guess, at the end of the day, one thing i need to learn is the battles worth fighting for. and to remember that i can’t win them all, i can’t hold onto them all, and letting go of them is very necessary for me to be able to regroup and concentrate my energy on the things that matter to me in the long run. no one will remember a petty argument over who left the keys at home or which place you should have gone to over the weekend five years down the road. but you will remember if you held a grudge over a meaningful relationship for two years when you could have patched things up earlier and been better friends because of it.
after all, you need to let go off the rocks tying you down to the ground in order to fly. 🙂
till next time!