my brain at 3am.: multivers-ions of you

i wonder if i should make this an on and off theme, that happens infrequently at 3am in the morning. i find, after watching several videos, and after sitting a while on the computer till 3am makes my brain wander to some far off distant space where completely random yet very intriguing thoughts begin to plague me.

today, it was when i considered joining an online community so as to get a grasp of what it was like to be apart of something which i enjoyed, and wanted to share my experiences with others. one of the first things i did was that i clicked onto a random member’s profile page (not create my own profile, which was probably what a normal person would have done – but i’m not normal at 3am in the morning anymore).

what i saw from his page was a selective collection of interests which were all thematic to the website, i.e. his love of cartoons and anime and video games related to the website’s content. this made me wonder, if i were to make my own profile, what would i put in those sections? obviously not my love of pretty little liars, surely. definitely not my occasional addiction to the bachelorette and america’s next top model (this said community is obviously male-dominated. the demographic being 13 – 24 year old males.)

this then made me consider what i put on my facebook in those sections, and why i choose those selective tv shows, music, movies etc. what kind of image was i trying to portray to the people who viewed my profile?

evidently, this blog should be no different, right? what i post here also attempts to set a particular image of who i am and what i think about and what i hope to achieve in life. and indeed, i do give slightly “politically correct” answers for myself. when i ask what career i want to pursue, i immediately state something like “writer”, anything related to literature .. but reality is, i’ll be happy to work in any job that makes me feel like i am a part of a community of people working towards something positive in society – and that is a very broad topic. and, i can list a whole lot more industries i’d rather not work in than those that i will, i.e. in truth, i am very picky. contradiction? well, it all adds up to the train of thoughts i’m working towards.

there are so many variations of myself sometimes, i honestly have to wonder which is the real me sometimes. i am very aware of how i adapt myself depending on my company, and truth is is that if you are talking to me, i have tweaked certain parts of my personality to feel more approachable and similar to you. this does not mean i am not me when i talk to you. i am just a different type of me.

and this also makes me wonder whether i am the most me when no one is around. and the answer to this is never necessarily yes. how much are you of yourself when you are around you too? how much are you you when you are governed by the people around you, the time of the day (does 3am constitute that i am more me at this very point in time?), the place you are in and who knows what other factors.

does this mean, that the whole time you live your life, that you will never experience yourself as you? that you are never a full concentration of who you are truly? but instead a subset or outlier or the bubble which is you? do you sometimes sit down in front of a desk and one variation of you is doing the practical work, being the substantial being you are supposed to be in society and the other you is sitting beside yourself wondering about other matters not pertaining to your task at hand? can you sit beside yourself?

sometimes, i think that the most generic part of you that you can be is when you are filling in – anything, really. when you are filling in something that is meant to reflect you. like an online quiz of “what kind of nail polish best reflects your personality?” and the first question asks you something simple like “what do you prefer to do on a saturday night?” and you look at the answers, answers that are supposed to be easy to respond to, but you feel absolutely torn. you know what is the generic answer you will give if anyone asks you. you know the formula to yourself. yes, i do prefer to spend my saturday nights at home with a nice book or a movie! yet at the same time, you know that this is not the truth. that everything you do, and everything that you essentially are, therefore, is relative.

but if something as unpredictable as relativity determines who you are, and there are no guidelines to knowing essentially what you like and you dislike, does that mean that you are no different from everyone else? and that everyone else is essentially you – just in different circumstances, at different times, among different people, and in different places? does this ultimately suggest that the make-up of a human is by no means original and that we are essentially each other at different moments?

well .. i’m really not so sure. that’s kind of where my musings end. plus, it’s almost 4am.

till next time, readers!

cumuloq ❤


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