my brain at 3am: what do you want?

you never really know what you truly want in life until your back is pressed up against the wall and obligations, responsibilities and expectations are slowly taking their meaningful steps towards you. you can feel your brain go numb and your hands quiver by your sides and every nerve at the side of your neck and along your shoulder just twitch. and then somewhere, under that quiet desperation, you can feel so many answers come out of you that you never knew existed.

when you’re given too many options, you feel lazy, you feel overly self-righteous … and you choose what you do not want. and what you may not ever need. but in a situation where you’re trapped and forced to surrender all these false desires from yourself, you find what you really want and what is feasible and what is within your grasp and what is eventually something you essentially could want.

what if dreams were never meant to be fulfilled because there is dissatisfaction in obtaining them? what if dreams are not objects that should be obtained? what if, instead, they are meant to be lodestars, or arrows, guiding you in their direction, but never directly to their location? you are given the image of the landmark, but you are never given the bearings. and that, this in life, is essentially better. that what you want is a dream to come true, but what you need is for it to never be obtained. and this is essentially better.

’cause a person can dream to be an actress but find instead a better niche as a spokeswoman for her own non-profit organisation, still acting out passionately, but for a cause instead of a role. and a person can dream about being the ceo of a major corporation, but instead discover that it is only through the partnership of a best friend, through a entrepreneur project he is completely invested in, that he is able to rediscover his love for sales and business.

when you are little, you have your dream careers, you have your mental picture of who you want to be. but the truth is that you do not need the title of that career and you do not need the monetary and material gains of that lifestyle. what you truly need is the direction a dream provides you.

and eventually you’ll realise, pressed up against that wall, that you are still aiming for that dream, but in a more ‘you’ way.

maybe, i just hope i can continue along this journey that my lodestar is taking me …

cumuloq ❤


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