my brain at 3am: hide in the shallow depths of the morning night

now playing: Stereotronique – Gravity [Monstercat Release]

i think there’s a point in the night where i don’t want to listen to words anymore, i don’t want to hear people speak or sing or say anything that has preconceived notions in my head of expectations or wants or worries. it’s the time where i just hide away into pictures and minesweeper and electro and bury myself in a beat. in a rhythm. where my brain just bumps itself against its inner wall and hums for a moment.

i think the most logical reason i can come up with that i’m sleeping later and waking up later is that i’m hiding. i’m hiding from life and i’m hiding from expectations. maybe that’s why we become insomniacs, ’cause we hide from the light, ’cause with the light comes responsibilities and duties that we must live up to. maybe that’s why villains come from the night and heroes from the shadows. ’cause the villains are the ones who shy away from social expectations, they want to go against society, while the heroes stand up in the light and are therefore viewed in a more positive … light … to all us humans.

but i kinda like the night for now. but then again, i kinda like villains too. sometimes villains have more depth than heroes. more weaknesses .. which is not always a bad thing. ’cause there’s always room to grow.

so i feel that i’m here, in the dark, like a sylvia-plath-like mushroom, growing quietly, just trying to figure my place in the world, ironically away from the world.

i feel like social obligations are slowly trying to creep in on me. and so i hide deeper in. and the deeper i hide, the more i realise that i don’t want these obligations, i realise i don’t want to do certain things that normal humans have to go through – at least until i find a place that i can nicely fit into that somehow tie me into being an adult.

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but right now, i’m a mushroom.

cumuloq ❤

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