my brain at 3am: it’s okay if i’m lost. but it’s not okay if you’re lost.

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i’m alright with being lost, on my own. although it’s not ideal. nowadays i feel so confused with where i’m heading, especially after meeting a financial adviser and have them draw a timeline of my pretend future: marriage, house, kids, their education, your retirement, and death. is that all i have to look forward to? it seemed so much more when i was fifteen.

but, somehow, that’s still alright. somehow, i feel like there will be moments in that timeline that are alright. i can make it alright somehow.

but to think that someone else out there – probably many – have that same timeline. that we are all leading this predictable, materialistic life, of ikea furniture, and fighting for the best schools – when it all just doesn’t matter when that ultimate conclusion of your life catches up with you – that’s not alright to me.

how many times has a financial adviser told their client that this is their life? and how many times has such a person just smiled and been satisfied with that? it scares me ..

somewhere out there, i imagine someone not being okay with that. i imagine someone staring at that sheet of paper, sitting at that contrived seat in Starbucks, or McDonalds, or somewhere equally capitalistic and just going, “No.” i imagine them reaching this revelation that this is not what they want, grabbing the pen out of that man’s hands and going, “No! No! That’s not how it’s going to go! I don’t want to get married! I don’t want to have children! Those aren’t my priorities. I don’t care about all this monetary bullshit. No, not a house. I don’t care. I just want to travel, I want to experience life, I don’t care if I live paycheck by paycheck. I’m not selfish enough to save all that money to the end. I want to experience life now.”

but the scary thing to me is that we aren’t like that in society – not anymore. we’re living a pretend life with pretend happiness. we’re passive. we pretend that we’re proactive but we are not living lives that different from the person next to us on the bus. it’s the same difference.

i’m okay that i’m there at the moment, at this blueprint of society … but i’m somehow not okay that other people are.

and once again, this is the hypocrite in me.

– cumuloquoise ❤

Photo credits:  {theuncommonplace}

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One thought on “my brain at 3am: it’s okay if i’m lost. but it’s not okay if you’re lost.

  1. This post is so rivetingly true…. I am that person who sits at Starbucks and probably cries at such a mundane future carved out ahead for me….what an amazing world we living in to simply have these not so special…forgettable lives….I don’t know how, but I resolve to say ‘Not me’……or what is the point of it all . . . the unfairness of life will hit us no matter what…but we have to seek out the happiness actively . . . .

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