It’s about 2.40am and I’m sitting here and writing this. I’m sitting here and writing this because I know that, if I go to sleep, when I wake up tomorrow I’ll have to do a lot of packing. I can’t spend my time just relaxing like a normal person should on a weekend. I’m sitting here and writing this ’cause I don’t want that yet.
I don’t want to spend another year in a room without friends and family nearby, and I don’t want the unknown world of a strange campus and even stranger teachers and subjects. I don’t want to have to hide behind my books anymore ’cause I have very little faith that I have the emotional energy to carry out a conversation with another human being. I need more faith.
Last week I lost all that faith during my orientation, when a quick survey of my cohort left me with a disappointed and dissatisfied impression. It is sad that my generation is so thoughtless and disrespectful and that we try to slip and slide our way through life without a care for others, that we blanket ourselves in negativity in our fear of possibility. And this I see in more than one aspect in my life right now.
Sometimes I want to stand up and shout at people for being so thoughtless. But I know that if I do that, it will be meaningless. ‘Cause today the more you speak up, the more it reflects on yourself than on others. I find myself walking this thin tightrope of being considerate and helpful and kind to others and striving to do exceptionally well. I find myself wanting everything and yet having to always choose instead. And in the process I find myself out of myself watching as I get exploited and confused and lost.
I wonder what I should do with my time. I wonder if I can manage to navigate my way through the pitfalls and potholes in this absolutely messy conduit I’m currently in. I wonder if it’s true – that I can enjoy myself. Sometimes it seems that once you get into the swing of things, you get yourself settled in a routine, it is always somehow tugged away from you and you can do nothing to hold on but grasp at the darkness that rushes in to fill the places which were once filled with comforting sameness.
I sit here and I know I should be sleeping, but sleep means getting on with life and so, instead, I write.
– Cumuloq ❤