Listening to …
It’s been a really long time that I’ve just sat down and reflected on this blog. I guess the past few blog posts are welcome distractions to the cloud of thoughts coffining my head. Today I woke up, warmed something up for lunch, made tea and sat down and watched the Vlogmas videos I’ve been missing. All welcome distractions.
I found myself gravitating towards the Michalak videos as opposed to the Sacconejoly or Zoella ones. Their Vlogmas videos are a struggle. And – I liked that. And not in this sadistic way where I like to see people stuck in difficult situations, but in a way that I related to them trying to just make it through every day with these real world obstacles. It felt honest, real. No fancy tinsel and mistletoe – just peaks and troughs.
I’ve had some really wonderful Christmases in the past. Christmas is so sacred to me. Admittedly because of the elaborate commercialism surrounding it. But also because of how it somehow just makes everyone kinder and more generous and warmer. December seems like this shining orb that just cannot be touched by any of the troubling worries of humanity. Even if you’re in it for the Christmas lights, shopping deals, presents, family and friends, holidays and free time, the kindness and love – the message of what Christmas truly means just permeates through – hopefully.
But this year Christmas feels so different for me. It feels like a reality check. It feels like a reminder that the world is not kind all the time – even during December. And, worse of all, it’s a reminder that as kind as you try to be and as generous as you try to be and you try to hold onto something pure within yourself … some things just don’t work out.
You are not your own [… or …] You do not belong to yourselves. – 1 Corinthian 6:19
The full verse: Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own.
I understand that this verse is supposed to be positive – that nothing can claim you but God. And since God is Love, nothing can claim you but Love – that there should be no one else on earth, nothing else on earth, that should be able to claim yourself but Him. It means you are in safe Hands.
But when I first read it, it was not a good feeling. Maybe because of the person I am – I feel like I’m constantly pursuing something idealistic, perfectionistic and, sometimes regrettably, individualistic. I seek shelter and secrets and some sort of magic that sometimes disappears from the world so completely I feel lost.
More than anything, I feel like I belong to people and things that claim me as theirs and pull me in so many different ways, when I just want to hold myself together. My brain is not my brain, my heart is not my heart, my house is not my home, my experiences are not mine. This view is not my view, this song is not for me to love, this book is not for me to keep close to my breast, these phrases are created not for me to use.
And I know it’s stupid to want to keep them as mine – to not share them with others, but it also makes me question who am I if I do not belong to myself – if companies and money and corporations seem to own me and everything I “possess”. These words are not even my own, this website I’m typing on is not my own, these thoughts – are they manufactured too? What is completely organic and whole and of the earth anymore?
I want to find it – but – it requires things that are not mine. And if that’s the case, is that experience in itself not mine? Is it claimed by the people and the objects that brought me there?
I feel changed, that’s all. Like I’m looking at everything with questioning eyes. Because I feel like I need to reassess what I’ve built up as my own. Like I need humility and modesty and I need to figure out whether I’m okay with the constructed nature of societies – and belonging in one, and how to keep myself sane in one, and to not lose groundedness. And, I guess, to accept the fact that only God can claim me. And that that is a good thing.
So, let this be a very different Christmas. Let me discover what I want to keep and how much this will cost me and how I can lose “myself” and find myself in return. These moods in the past have tried to destroy me … but I think this time there is silver Christmas lights still flickering in the dark.
Till next time,