A Different Me

Hey there,

Well, I guess I’m back to gripe again? Not sure. I feel like I need to write to get some of my irritation – ennui – out of my system. And I suppose this is the only place I know where to go to gripe. I have a lot of different, small parcels, of rants to get out – but all of it seems to be wrapped up in this large brown package of … my identity – I guess. Less of who am i?  and more of why does it matter who i am? 

I have a lot of little pet peeves, and one of them, for certain, is someone telling me what I like, or dislike, or what I am good at or bad at, and I think this is made all the more pronounced when I watch television shows like Girl Meets World and Riley is telling Maya “I know exactly who you are – you’re the girl who stands on tables and breaks the rules!” and Corey telling Shaun “You are reckless spontaneity!” and watching Faking It and Karma telling Amy “I know who you are and what you like and this isn’t you!” I hate people like Riley and Corey and Karma – who believe that they have their best friend figured out; I hate it when it is obvious that when they say that to their best friend, in reality, they do. not. grow. from. that. 

I watched a video on identity on Crash Course recently which I believe was so absolutely necessary for me to argue that a friend can or should never necessarily say that they know who their friend is – all the time. Because a person is never the same. They change. They are not the same person in the morning, they are not the same person in the afternoon – and you can never assume that they are the same person the next time you meet them. That is why it is so necessary for you to catch up with them from the last time you saw them – not just about their lives, but also about their interests and beliefs. Because so many things can happen, so many thoughts, actions and habits, that can change a person bit by bit.

Corey has not seen Shaun in ages – what right does he have to say that Shaun’s reckless spontaneity has not changed? Yes, friends can remind us of the essentially good things about ourselves that led them to be close to you – but they have no right to assume that you have not grown out of some habits. And it is never right to force someone back to a habit that they honestly do not feel strongly about anymore. And … I guess that is the root of a lot of my pet peeves: disingenuousness.

But – wrapped up in this gripe about how I don’t like people who assume people never change is also the fact that there is an assumption that you will eventually find yourself – or a personality trait that you can just fit well with. Like, I am defined by my love of cats and the colour pink. But … then if there are millions of people out there who fit within that venn diagram intersection of ‘loves cats’ and ‘loves the colour pink’ – what makes you different from them? Surely, there is something that just cannot be described about yourself in adjectives that makes you ‘you’. And … when I was younger I’d spend ages on personality quizzes, and just quizzes in general. There’s just something addictive about being told, or affirming who you are.

But … then there is the disillusion. That it is all fixed. You can choose the answers that you want. And if they are not the answers you want, you can just try again. Or you can just shrug it off and say the quiz doesn’t get me – which is absolutely true. Because there is no way a quiz on “Which Disney Princess Are You?” is going to be able to identify you. All the adjectives are generic. Everyone could seek adventure, love books, be shy, want to be compassionate, want to find their soulmate – yet be independent.

One thing I’ve learnt to realise is that I will never find myself. There are days I am far more insecure that I know I deserve to be. There are days I feel incredibly intelligent and capable. There are days when I want to be out there, learning something from some new experiences. And other days where I just want to hide away in my bed and sleep the day off.

I don’t think I’ll ever be – someone. A someone. I’ll be me. But that me will never necessarily be me in the next few seconds – if that makes sense. Not that I’ll be schizophrenic, or bipolar – not in the slightest. But I’ve come to accept the fact that one unique trait – that is not so unique – about myself is that I am comfortable to never really be myself ever. I don’t want anyone to be able to label me as someone – because that is terrifying. It is terrifying to decide on small insignificant details about myself and not be open to wanting to find out more about myself …

I used to say my favourite movie was “Pan’s Labyrinth” – and yes, in the moments I watch it, it surely is. But I don’t want to be fixed to it. Because I also love “About Time” – so so much – and I love “Howl’s Moving Castle”. There are some years I can call myself a book lover – and other years I really couldn’t care less about books when there are so many other things occupying my life at that point in time – but I guess it doesn’t mean that I can’t go back to those points in my life. But it also does not mean that I have to love all of those things for that point in time. Because it is exhausting to fake enthusiasm for things you used to be enthusiastic for during that one part of your life, but not feel much for in the next part.

So, I don’t want people to tell what my interests are or what I am good at essentially. I just want them to know how I am doing, how I am feeling for that particular moment. And if they want to know me again, come sit down and let me share with you my favourite movies, books and shows. And let me tell you about my latest stories while drinking and eating my current obsessions. But, be comfortable with the fact that I change. All the time.

I guess, to wrap this post up, I just want to really really be comfortable with the fact that I will never know who I am. But that is what keeps me going. To find new identities of myself. And to remember the people I used to be.

We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people; all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me.” – The Eleventh Doctor

Till next time … when I am someone else,

cumuloq ❤

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