A Different Me

Hey there,

Well, I guess I’m back to gripe again? Not sure. I feel like I need to write to get some of my irritation – ennui – out of my system. And I suppose this is the only place I know where to go to gripe. I have a lot of different, small parcels, of rants to get out – but all of it seems to be wrapped up in this large brown package of … my identity – I guess. Less of who am i?  and more of why does it matter who i am? 

I have a lot of little pet peeves, and one of them, for certain, is someone telling me what I like, or dislike, or what I am good at or bad at, and I think this is made all the more pronounced when I watch television shows like Girl Meets World and Riley is telling Maya “I know exactly who you are – you’re the girl who stands on tables and breaks the rules!” and Corey telling Shaun “You are reckless spontaneity!” and watching Faking It and Karma telling Amy “I know who you are and what you like and this isn’t you!” I hate people like Riley and Corey and Karma – who believe that they have their best friend figured out; I hate it when it is obvious that when they say that to their best friend, in reality, they do. not. grow. from. that. 

I watched a video on identity on Crash Course recently which I believe was so absolutely necessary for me to argue that a friend can or should never necessarily say that they know who their friend is – all the time. Because a person is never the same. They change. They are not the same person in the morning, they are not the same person in the afternoon – and you can never assume that they are the same person the next time you meet them. That is why it is so necessary for you to catch up with them from the last time you saw them – not just about their lives, but also about their interests and beliefs. Because so many things can happen, so many thoughts, actions and habits, that can change a person bit by bit.

Corey has not seen Shaun in ages – what right does he have to say that Shaun’s reckless spontaneity has not changed? Yes, friends can remind us of the essentially good things about ourselves that led them to be close to you – but they have no right to assume that you have not grown out of some habits. And it is never right to force someone back to a habit that they honestly do not feel strongly about anymore. And … I guess that is the root of a lot of my pet peeves: disingenuousness.

But – wrapped up in this gripe about how I don’t like people who assume people never change is also the fact that there is an assumption that you will eventually find yourself – or a personality trait that you can just fit well with. Like, I am defined by my love of cats and the colour pink. But … then if there are millions of people out there who fit within that venn diagram intersection of ‘loves cats’ and ‘loves the colour pink’ – what makes you different from them? Surely, there is something that just cannot be described about yourself in adjectives that makes you ‘you’. And … when I was younger I’d spend ages on personality quizzes, and just quizzes in general. There’s just something addictive about being told, or affirming who you are.

But … then there is the disillusion. That it is all fixed. You can choose the answers that you want. And if they are not the answers you want, you can just try again. Or you can just shrug it off and say the quiz doesn’t get me – which is absolutely true. Because there is no way a quiz on “Which Disney Princess Are You?” is going to be able to identify you. All the adjectives are generic. Everyone could seek adventure, love books, be shy, want to be compassionate, want to find their soulmate – yet be independent.

One thing I’ve learnt to realise is that I will never find myself. There are days I am far more insecure that I know I deserve to be. There are days I feel incredibly intelligent and capable. There are days when I want to be out there, learning something from some new experiences. And other days where I just want to hide away in my bed and sleep the day off.

I don’t think I’ll ever be – someone. A someone. I’ll be me. But that me will never necessarily be me in the next few seconds – if that makes sense. Not that I’ll be schizophrenic, or bipolar – not in the slightest. But I’ve come to accept the fact that one unique trait – that is not so unique – about myself is that I am comfortable to never really be myself ever. I don’t want anyone to be able to label me as someone – because that is terrifying. It is terrifying to decide on small insignificant details about myself and not be open to wanting to find out more about myself …

I used to say my favourite movie was “Pan’s Labyrinth” – and yes, in the moments I watch it, it surely is. But I don’t want to be fixed to it. Because I also love “About Time” – so so much – and I love “Howl’s Moving Castle”. There are some years I can call myself a book lover – and other years I really couldn’t care less about books when there are so many other things occupying my life at that point in time – but I guess it doesn’t mean that I can’t go back to those points in my life. But it also does not mean that I have to love all of those things for that point in time. Because it is exhausting to fake enthusiasm for things you used to be enthusiastic for during that one part of your life, but not feel much for in the next part.

So, I don’t want people to tell what my interests are or what I am good at essentially. I just want them to know how I am doing, how I am feeling for that particular moment. And if they want to know me again, come sit down and let me share with you my favourite movies, books and shows. And let me tell you about my latest stories while drinking and eating my current obsessions. But, be comfortable with the fact that I change. All the time.

I guess, to wrap this post up, I just want to really really be comfortable with the fact that I will never know who I am. But that is what keeps me going. To find new identities of myself. And to remember the people I used to be.

We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people; all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good, you’ve gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me.” – The Eleventh Doctor

Till next time … when I am someone else,

cumuloq ❤

I Feel Like Amy Pond

7 the rest - sunday

Hey guys,

So, it’s been a couple of eons since I’ve last blogged anything. If anything, it’s safe to say from a visitor’s perspective of my blog that I’ve been completely obliterated from the year 2016 … but I haven’t been. In all honesty, if there was any time for me to be recording the happenings of any year – it would be 2016. But, 2016 has honestly been a year of many uncertain ups and downs – when really it shouldn’t have any downs at all.

I don’t know … I’m honestly coming into this post not knowing my current objective – which, as anyone in any job scope or understanding of game play knows, is really a bad idea.

I feel like I’m on a precipice. I feel like there are many things that I’m seeing this year that are going very wrong … and a few small things that are turning right, and I’m still trying very hard to figure out where I fit into things – when I have absolutely no time to breath and think.

And I think that’s been happening a lot lately. So many important things are happening and I should be in the present and I feel like I should have certain emotions – but I’m being pulled in so many different ways. And I know nothing is going to change once big milestones are crossed … and yet everything will be different.

I feel like Amy Pond.

amy-amy-pond-16913008-1280-720

That’s it.

I feel like Amy Pond and I need the Doctor to come over and provide me some perspective on the eve of my very big day; let me float in space in my nightie and stare down at the earth, and remind me that everything is so very very small and yet so very very big at the same time. And that I am so insignificant and yet so very important as well. And that everything can be going so very wrong and that can be alright, and everything can seem all well and good and also be so incredibly wrong – but so long as I am brave and strong and patient, so very patient, and wait and hope – I can be saved from it all.

d8ccc441f21089719bedabf055d4aaca

I wish I was somehow wiser, that I could spend a year or so drifting off in the space-time continuum – as the cracks in my bedroom wall – in time – grow wider and wider as I neglect my responsibilities.

So …

I came here to write about how I felt about this day, before the big day. But all I can write about is how time seems to have moved far too fast and slow at the same time. And my mind has been so cluttered and empty with so many unimportantly important things.

And I wish I was instead eating fish finger custards at a small table in the middle of the night with the Doctor, just worrying about a crack in my wall.

doctor-and-amelia

And it’s not that I don’t love my Rory. But because sometimes you feel robbed of the time you could have spent contemplating about what is missing in your life … that something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue … could have happened. But in reality never will.

I feel like some fairytales need to end for some to begin.

And currently my Amelia Pond mind is in denial. But it’ll be okay, Amy. You have the Last Centurion. And some times time travel doesn’t have to be grand to exist in real life.

Till next time,

(an honestly far too cryptic) cumuloq

Weekly Update! Geeky Acapella, Let’s Pollute and Pokemon Snap!

7 the rest - sunday

Hey guys!

So another weekend is over and a new week is on its way. This week seems to have gone by so fast – and right now I’ve already corrected five mistakes (that seem slightly dyslexic) while typing this and I feel like even attempting this post is a slight mistake.

So, this week I think I’ll be absolutely relieved once it’s over. I have two huge things to get over. One on Monday and the other on Friday – okay, Friday is less of an ordeal and more of like I need to just get past it.

This weekend has been a strange one. I slept a lot on Saturday. I woke up at 11am and then took a three hour nap in the afternoon in which I had a Maze Runner style zombie apocalypse dream that still plays in my mind for some reason.

Today I wanted to write a post about something on my mind, that I felt like I wanted to just type out – but I didn’t. And right now my mind is so tired that I feel like if I even attempt to write it out it will only be semi-coherent, and that’s not the effort I want to put into that kind of a post.

So, I think I’ll stick to this post today. Let’s move on to my favourites for this week. I think I’ll (I realise I said that twice too soon) have two for each category this week, ’cause I can’t really decide. Indecision and exhaustion seem to come hand-in-hand at the moment.

1. Songs of the Week: ‘Catch In The Dark’ by Passenger

Passenger never fails to make me feel reminiscent and … ugh, I can’t think of the word, that’s how bad I am at the moment. What’s a word that means ‘in deep thought’? Oh wells, screw it. Yeah, this song just puts me in a place. See, can’t even come up with an adjective.

and ‘Pallet Town’ Acapella by Smooth McGroove

I just found the amazingness that is Smooth McGroove and I am in love with his geeky acapella covers. I was contemplating – Oh! Fudge, that’s the word I could have used earlier. Contemplative mood – oh well. Yeah, well I was contemplating which song to put in for him, debating between this one and the Little Big Planet 3’s “Secret Gardens” … Honestly I like the “Secret Gardens” one better. But the Pallet Town one just fills me with nostalgia.

2. Videos of the Week: Let’s Pollute by Geefwee Boedoe

I was looking for good short films and I came across this gem. It was nominated for an Oscar for Short Film (Animated) in 2011.

and Avengers Family Feud by Jimmy Kimmel Live

I’m pretty sure you’ve already seen this this week, but if you haven’t, please do.

3. LPs of the Week: The Real ChilledChaos (Town of Salem) by CriousGames

Yeah, it’s Town of Salem again. Honestly if there is a ToS video, it’ll most likely be in my favourites.

and Pokemon Snap by Game Grumps (Ross and ProJared)

I spent the whole of this week following this Pokemon Snap series and it honestly brings so much nostalgia. I remember so many of the hidden tricks to getting those rare pokemon shots, and they all just came flooding back to me. It was hilarious that I was so annoyed at how badly Ross handled the camera.

Well, it’s been a long week. Let me apologise if you came across any stupid typos in this post. I tried to keep it at a minimum – but there will inevitably be one or two I miss out on in this exhausted stupor of mine. I will be spending the next few minutes brushing my teeth, watching one last video and then turning in.

Wish me luck for this week. I wish you luck in yours. Let us find moments of happiness and sanity and clarity in this mess together.

Till next time!

cumuloq ❤

Weekly Update! Walk the Moon, Prank Calls and Don’t Trust Chilled!

7 the rest - sunday

Hey everyone!

So .. thanks to this Buzzfeed post on absolutely sadistic things you can do in Sims, I completely exhausted all my time this weekend creating eight absolutely lovely – but evidently flawed – Sim characters, one beautiful mansion .. and proceeded to kill off one at a time every Sunday in a ruthless game show where the least popular dies.

This included multiple tournaments of beer pong and table tennis, countless bonfire parties, one party challenge, one job challenge, one writing challenge, one tombs and crypts challenge and one week of just hooking up and breaking up that was just ridiculous – and now I’m down to three Sim characters.

And now it’s Sunday, and I am just tying up the loose ends of the things I’m actually supposed to do – which does not include paying off my phone bill, transferring money to my parents and doing a test I’ve been putting off for ages. But que sera sera.

Let’s just get to the recap of this week’s favourites, shall we?

1. Song of the Week: Avalanche by Walk the Moon

Frankly, this entire week I’ve just been absolutely addicted to Walk the Moon songs. They are my favourite band of the moment. Just all of their songs – and all of their absolutely ridiculous and amazing homemade music videos. There’s just so much to love about them.

2. Video of the Week: Prank Calls with my Sister by ThatcherJoe

Honestly, Joe is so flippin’ creative. But sometimes his best videos are those in which he just tries to prank call his friends. And bringing Zoe into it makes it even more hilarious.

3. LP of the Week: Can’t Trust Chilled (Town of Salem) by CriousGamers

There’s honestly nothing more satisfying in Town of Salem than being able to fool your comrades. Sometimes Chilled fails like crazy. And sometimes he wins beyond belief. This game kind of shows a bit of both.

So, I hope you guys had a great weekend. I feel like this week is going to be a pressure cooker of a week for me. And coming out of it will not make me into a diamond – because the week after that will be even more ruthless. Maybe the week after that will be kinder.

I just know that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for me (with whatever is going on in my life) and I can almost reach it, but there are a few hills in the way clouding the view. (Wait .. why are there hills in my metaphorical tunnel??)

Can’t think straight no more. Gonna go back and listen to more Walk the Moon to make me ignorantly happy.

Goodnight, guys!

cumuloq ❤

Weekly Update! More Mikky Ekko, Trials Fusion and Emilia Sacconejoly!

7 the rest - sunday

Hey everyone!

It’s been a while since I’ve done an update on Sunday. Four months to be exact. I did one update in the beginning of this year and never continued – but let’s just leave that where it is (in the past). Currently I’m halfway through what others may term the “hell” point of getting my postgraduate diploma. I’m just slowly crawling towards the end where holidays and long days of sleeping-in await me.

I wasted the whole of yesterday and today catching up with videos, which means that I’m in the perfect position to share my favourites of this week …

1. Song of the Week: Watch Me Rise by Mikky Ekko

I’ve been listening to this in the background of all the LPs I’ve watched this weekend. It’s actually incredible as a potential workout track – but I don’t exercise.

2. Video of the Week: Emilia Tommasina Sacconejoly by Ellie Wilson

I watched this entire thing and was just filled with emotions. Ellie Wilson does such amazing fan videos for the Sacconejoly family, but this one just hit a soft spot.

3. LP of the Week: ChilledChaos’ Trials Fusion Multiplayer series

I have no idea why, but I’ve been so hooked on watching Trials this week. It’s reminiscent of Elasto Mania which I used to play on PC with my brother when we were younger. So it gave me so many nostalgic feels.

So, I will catch you next week! I hope that I can make more weekly updates, if anything. Though I can’t promise anything for maybe the next five weeks. I feel like I can only be more consistent on this blog around the second week of May.

But I’ll keep blogging regardless. Don’t worry about that.

Till next time!

cumuloq ❤

The First Sunday of 2015!

7 the rest - sunday

Hello there everyone!

It’s the first Sunday of this year. How’s the first odd week been treating you? Have you started to pen down New Year Resolutions? Have you started to accomplish them?

Personally, I’ve never been one to make New Year Resolutions.

Firstly, I don’t really like the idea that you need an entire new year to start making goals. If anything, if you have a goal set out, and you really want to get it accomplished, you should start immediately. Plus, generic (albeit extremely important and meaningful) goals like wanting to travel to a particular locale or eating healthier and exercising more should be small purposeful goals you aim to accomplish every day, week or fortnight and ultimately all these small goals should just be steps towards the bigger goal of making yourself a better and more all-rounded person.

Secondly, why I don’t like to make New Year Resolutions is because I feel like once you set your mind on a list of them, then that’s what your entire year may be reduced to, i.e. a list. And that’s not what I feel a New Year is ultimately about. Yes, you want to accomplish new things – always. But accomplishment, I feel, is not as important as learning and experiencing and just living the year for what it is. And maybe that is why I wrote that poem yesterday about the two meanings of “time”. As you set goals for yourself you also need to remind yourself that your entire life is not just about those goals and that sometimes there needs to be detours and distractions that may somehow lead to more meaningful goals in the future.

But, to each their own.

Till next time,

cumuloq ❤

My Top 10 Funniest Youtube Gaming Moments of 2014

Hey guys!

I think I’ve spent a good portion of my time this weekend scavenging my Youtube favourites and likes for my favourite moments of 2014. This list will be the funniest Youtube Gaming moments of 2014. I understand that I’ll probably miss some great videos because I’m not such a conscientious “favourite” and “liker”, but that’s okay. This list is still awesome nonetheless.

10. SeaNanner’s Pizza Madness “Sark’s Amazing Answer”

Sark's Response

I think this was the video where everyone on the SeaNanners channel realised that Sark was the epic master of hilarious answers to Chilled’s ridiculous questions.

9. Derp Crew Little Big Planet “How Fast Can You Press X?”

I just don’t even want to describe it because of how wrong it is … but sometimes things that are terribly risque are also terribly funny.

8. Speed Runners “You Go Left”

I think it’s pretty obvious that a video that incorporates so many awesome Youtube gamers would end up being side-splittingly good.

7. Game Grumps’ Super Mario 3D World “You Got to Go Fast”

This entire series was amazing but I think this was the halfway point where Ross and Arin just got absolutely nuts. And it was such a joy to watch.

6. RoosterTeeth Family Feud “Name something women have trouble doing when they a – “

Ah, those amazing moments when fails become successes and you’re so thankful that you’ve got it recorded. A close second to this is Ray’s “Eucalyptus!” moment.

5. Game Grumps’ DoA “Helena Desperation”

The time when Arin went absolutely insane trying to impress a video game character and Danny just could not take anything seriously anymore and everyone in the comments section questioned Arin’s devotion to his wife, Suzy.

4. Let’s Play Minecraft “I’ll Just Be Going on My Way” (Episode 102 – Grounded)

When Gavin never fails to do something beyond the valley of stupid – or have just plain terrible luck.

3. SeaNanner’s Girlfriend Cheats

When the King of Cheatsydoodles shows his girlfriend how to play Prop Hunt and she wows him by accidentally stumbling on one of the best cheatsy hiding spots on a map he’s played countless times.

2. Game Grumps “CondomRoss” and “Calling Ross’s Dad”

The awkward moment when the word “Rubber” is too dirty for a children’s MMO but “Condom” is not. And the amazing moment when a grown man needs to call his dad from halfway across the globe just so he can get permission to chat. (The link further in the video is here.)

1. Derp Crew Mario Kart 8 “Terrible Things Happen to GaLm”

And this one has to be my number one pick for funniest moment in a gaming video because when I saw this I literally cried with laughter and I’ve watched it again and again over twenty times. I also thought it was apt to end it with Mario Kart 8 and the Derp Crew because a large portion of 2014 was spent with me watching them.

So, do you have any favourites to share? Leave them in the comments below and I’ll definitely watch them. Personally I hope for many more hilarious moments in 2015.

Till next time!

cumuloq ❤